The most entrenched beliefs we have about love are handed down to us through popular culture; the fairytale ending, the handsome prince, the knight on the white charger, the perfect man. Then, there’s advertising. Some of the beliefs we have about relationships are insinuated into our heads through commercials depicting happy-ever-after couples. The idealization of love in popular culture in everything from music, writing and film is enough to make your head (and heart!) spin. How can we help but be convinced that when we meet our one true love, they’ll complete us and we’ll gaze into each other’s eyes in blissful happiness for the rest of our lives? And for some, for a while, that might work.
But what usually happens is this: You disappear off the face of the earth and your friends stop hearing from you. Then, as soon as the cracks appear in the fairytale, you seek them out to cry on their shoulders. And they’re there, if they haven’t moved on to friends who are there for them in return, and not just flit-props for the latest dalliance.
When you’re in love, it feels like nothing else matters. It’s so easy and seductive to let your life go — your friends, your interests, your beliefs, your hobbies. I get it. It feels good and it’s fun and smoochy and yummy. You don’t need anyone or anything else. You’re feeling smug wrapped up in your love cocoon. And that’s the way you think it should stay. But what happens when he wants to go watch football with his friends? Or she goes on a girls’ night out? How could he possibly want to be apart from you for even one minute? How dare she have a life of her own? You just want to be with her all the time. He’s all you need. Love is all you need. The Beatles were right. Wrong.
Talking to your best female friends is different than talking to your romantic partner. Best mate drinking talks are different to relating to your love interest. There’s so much more to life than your primary relationship. Conversely, having other friends and other interests bring more life into your relationship. Other voices, other opinions, other senses of humor and other connections all add up to a fulfilling life.
Khalil Gibran’s words in The Prophet have been quoted often. His writing on marriage really does feel wise:
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.”
Antoine De Saint-Exupery, a French aristocrat, author of The Little Prince, poet and aviator also clearly knew a bit about love:
“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction.”
That sums up marriage for me. You’re finished with the infatuation stuff and into the real meat and depth of a relationship. The part where you have each other’s backs. You know, love and support each other and you’re building a life together that will be much greater than the sum of its parts. That’s where life and love get truly delicious.
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